Growing in patience

 I am an outrageously impatient person. 

This was revealed to me (again) today as I was pestering my poor husband with questions about kindle unlimited. 

You see, I like to read books. I get bees in my bonnet all the time on various subjects and want to do research and read ALL the books on the subject de jour as soon as possible. Part of this urgency is due to the fact that I have a rather short attention span, and I know the next bee is just around the corner, and will be pushing its way into my bonnet at any moment, thereby edging out the current one. So with books, I rely a lot on the library. I place holds, pick up books, get them on my kindle if it’s faster.... But the library’s selection can be somewhat limited, especially when it comes to non-fiction or obscure books that I frequently find myself searching. Or, the wait is so long, by the time I get it, I will have forgotten why I wanted to read it! But paying for books is not something I’m keen to do. I’m so spoiled by the library, that the idea of BUYING a book seems ludicrous. Sure, maybe if it’s a classic or a really good novel I know I want to read again or want my kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids to read, then yes - that’s a book I want on my shelf. But otherwise, I’d rather borrow.

So I was hoping that kindle unlimited might be like Spotify for books. Sadly, it’s not exactly as unlimited as it would have you believe. I felt very indignant about this. Why shouldn’t I be able to get any book I want, any time I want it, without having to pay for it?!?!

How very Veruca Salt of me. Don’t care how, I want it now!

It’s not only books I’m like this with. Really, what’s driving a lot of my colossal impatience, is the idea that I should be able to KNOW all the things. Right now. I want to figure out the workings of the universe. I want to understand how it is that the eternal Word of God pertains to current issues that are so difficult to navigate. I want to know how to make sense of the various understandings of the covenants between God and his people and how exactly that affects me and what I do and how I do it. I want to know exactly what I believe about ALL THE THINGS so I can know how best to teach it to my kids. Or so I’ll have the right answer to tell the person I’m likely to have a conversation with TOMORROW! 

You see? It all just feels very urgent. 

But I think that all my years of impatience have helped me to learn something. 

You cannot know know everything all at once.

You cannot actually even know everything! Ever! 

And it’s ok if you don’t know it all. Sometimes, simply the searching is enough.

Sometimes, you aren’t ready to fully understand something until a later point in your life. 

Sometimes, you simply don’t get to know everything because you need to learn patience and learn to trust the Teacher. 

Besides, if I knew everything already, what would be left to research?