Sunday, November 20, 2016

back on the horse?

and now I've discovered that, since the latest iPhone update, the blogger app does nothing but crash when you try to use it. apparently a much needed update to the app is late in coming. will wait and see.

so, here I am, on my computer, like I used to be.

I'm sick right now. I've been fighting this weird cold situation since over a week ago. it didn't get bad until about Thursday. I wound up taking Friday off of work, but I didn't feel too awful (just sounded like someone you didn't want your kid around) and spent the day getting caught up on laundry and general tidying around the house. I didn't really feel terrible until evening, when I sat in a daze at gymnastics, trying not to breathe on anyone. yesterday was much the same. I attempted a little productivity, which took me to about 3, when I went to take a nap. and pretty much stayed in bed (minus coming down to have some soup) until this morning at 9:30. today, i'm skipping church, but will have to venture out later to take Layla to the gym for team pictures. I suppose i'll have to do some grocery shopping at some point, too. unfortunately.

anyway, while chilling in my bed, I've been reading over old blog posts. like really old ones. and I've made some interesting observations of my "old life".
  • even though our old house was small and kind of a dump, I really miss it. well, not the green carpet or the ugly kitchen. and not the squirrels in the walls, the mice in the garage, or the rats under the deck. but I miss the garden, the neighbors, the proximity to the library and grocery store, and all of that.
  • I was very resourceful. I spent a ton of time and energy growing food in the garden, baking bread, shopping the grocery store sales flyers, and all that.
  • I beat myself up a lot about the state of my house and how "lazy" I was. (nothing new or surprising there.)
  • I was a psychological mess for most of my 30s. i'm actually really glad to have made it through all that without an intervention or being institutionalized.
  • having young kids made me CRAZY, but I loved them so much. I honestly would go back in a second if given the chance. I love my kids now, and I wouldn't trade who they are right now, but I SO miss the little kid phase of things. I miss cartoons and playdough and naps and playgroups and ride-on toys and dress-up and invented spellings and my walls plastered with marker drawings.
  • although it was busy, life was simpler.
I can't say for sure if life was better then or now. it's easy to idealize the past when you are experiencing dissatisfaction with the present. I also know that it's easy to idealize the future for the same reason. I think I did a fair amount of that then, too. or I idealized what I thought our life should look like, and bemoaned that it didn't. I think that i'm really good at the whole dissatisfaction thing. I should probably work on that. it's not that i'm ungrateful for the present. or that I was ungrateful for what was the present back then... I think that i'm always striving for what could be. always searching for the BEST way to live or be or raise kids or whatever. there always seems to be this unattainable goal that I want to reach. is that good? is that bad? I don't really know. I do know that it seems to be a constant, since THAT is one thing that has not changed in the 8 years since I started this blog..
wait. no. make that almost 9. NINE!!! holy smokes. that's a long time. I just totaled it up, and this post will make 948 posts. dang. I have a lot to say. not that that is any big surprise.

so... does any of this mean anything? not really. i'm just blabbing through my fingers, as usual. i'm going to try to keep up this blog more. I know, I say that all the time (well not all the time, just when I remember it, which isn't actually that often). and maybe I will and maybe I won't. I like the record it has kept. It has functioned like a journal for me, and I think that's important. some day, maybe my children will read it and see how much I cared about doing what was right (or maybe just how crazy I was), and how hard I tried. I don't know. or maybe i'll just spend a "sick" weekend sitting in bed and reading about my life. but I want it written down. and not just in snippets on facebook, or snapshots on Instagram. the space for thinking is lacking in those venues.

but now it's time for real life, kids and chores and errands, etc. we'll see where this goes from here.

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