contemplations

it’s summer and I don’t have a lot I HAVE to do. sure, there’s plenty that I could be doing or SHOULD be doing, but school is out, kids’ activities are over, we have already returned from our one big vacation for the summer, I’ve handed over the job of being the president of our MOMS Club, my summer birthday kids have even already gotten their gifts!

so of course, now  is when I start thinking. I’ve been spending a lot of time, sitting here at the computer, browsing stuff, reading stuff. generally wasting my time. something I like to feel guilty about, but continue to do. oh well.

I’ve been thinking about my shortcomings.

I know I have a lot of them.

we all do.

but there are two different kinds of shortcomings. there are the ones you have that you really don’t care enough about to let them bother you. and then there are the ones that you are so aware of that they drive you batty with desire to be different. to not be a victim of whatever inability or personality trait you have been plagued with.

actually, there’s probably a third kind, too: the shortcomings you have that you aren’t aware of. other people might be, but unless they draw your attention to them (which you really shouldn’t do. that’s just mean, people.), you remain blissfully ignorant. so I don’t really count that.

example: I’m not a particularly good cook. I don’t particularly LIKE to cook. if I lived alone, I would probably NEVER cook, I’d be just fine with that. but I have a family, and apparently, they need to eat. and so I cook. I generally dread it. I purposely stick to simple favorites that I could make with my eyes closed, that, don’t create a big mess or a lot of dishes when I make them.

guess what. I don’t care. I spent a little while feeling guilty about that fact that I did not share my friends’ obsession with the food network or have the desire to make marshmallows from scratch. but I got over it. quick. I usually have food on the table. none of us are going to starve. we don’t eat out a lot, nor do we heat up a lot of packaged food. I do my best, which is mediocre, and I’m okay with that. if any of my family members have a problem with the food I make, then THEY can learn to cook and make us more interesting stuff. (provided they clean up the kitchen when they are done!)

and then there’s the cake thing. I have friends who make beautiful, fancy cakes for their kids’ birthdays. me? not at all. you’re lucky to get cupcakes made from a mix. why? because I do not have the talent OR desire to spend hours attempting to make something that is going to get destroyed in a matter of seconds as soon as you slice a knife through it, and really, most of it is going to get thrown away anyway. true story. ever checked the garbage after kids’ parties? that’s where the cake goes. if they want something “fancy”, we go to the grocery store bakery. some people are good at this, and I think that’s awesome. I’m not. oh well. it doesn’t bother me. I don’t wish I were better at this.

but then there’s the stuff that does bother me. the flakey, disorganized stuff. the fact that getting my family out of the house and anyplace on time is SO SO VERY HARD. the fact that half a day can just disappear on me, and I have no idea where it went. the fact that I forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME. the fact that scheduling appointments and making plans more than a day in advance gives me the heebie jeebies. that bugs me. why? because my kids haven’t been to the dentist in like 2 years, and that makes me a bad mom. because my oldest son hates being late to stuff and we’re ALWAYS late. because I always wind up having to pump gas in my jammies when I’m already running late because I never remember that I NEED gas before I’m about to run out. seriously. this is not hard stuff. this is just normal, functional LIFE, and I’m really, really bad at it. it also means that we almost never do anything interesting because doing interesting things means planning to do interesting things, and even if I could remember that I needed to plan, I’m afraid of making plans, and so I don’t. although it’s usually not an issue until it’s 4pm on a sunday afternoon and you remember that you just wasted another weekend. it’s awesome. lemme tellya. my kids are going to look back on their childhood and fall asleep recalling all the superfun memories.

that’s my big one. everything else is kind of trivial.

I wish were more creative. I know that sounds stupid, because I know that in some ways I am creative. I write, I scrapbook, etc. for the most part, being crafty for the sake of being crafty does not appeal to me. but I do wish I knew how to decorate. I am totally clueless when I look at furniture and curtains and other such home décor. I WISH I know what to do with stuff, how to put it together and make it look good, but I don’t. looking at DIY blogs and other sites and magazines of people with pretty houses does not inspire me, as it does for some. it depresses me. I look at these pictures of the beautiful furniture, the funky fabrics on the pillows and curtains, the fun little accents and splashes of color and I get depressed, because I know that there is no way I could ever make my house look like that. I know, very much, what I like and what I don’t like, but I can’t just walk into a store and pick up stuff and put it together. so fyi, if you are good at this sort of thing, just as soon as I have some $$ to throw at some new furniture and décor, I’ll be calling you up, because I really want my house to look cool. I want to have things hung on the wall that look trendy and cool. I just don’t know how to do it. the way my house looks is not because that’s the way I WANT it to look… it’s just the chaos it defaults to because I don’t have a better plan.

I’m a hair styling dunce. I would like to have pretty, stylish, trendy hair. really, I would. but I don’t. because me with a blowdryer and brush is just a disaster. I swear that sort of activity requires more hands than I actually was born with… and so I don’t. even hairstyles which stylists like to claim are simple to do, are really not for me. because I’m a hair styling dunce. oh well.

I wish I were a better gardener. in theory, I would love to have lots of flowers in all the beds, a huge and productive veggie garden, beautiful baskets hanging off the eaves, etc. but in reality, I won’t go out if it’s too wet or too cold, I hate pulling weeds, and when I do have a lot of produce coming, I sometimes forget to harvest it! I habitually forget to water anything in pots or baskets, and I generally consider anything still growing to be a lucky survivor. thank goodness for my dad, or our yard would be in a heap of hurt.

so, there you go. I’m sure there are plenty more shortcomings that I could overanalyze for hours more… (my lack of career direction, perhaps?), but that will do for now. I’m aware that the dinner hour is quickly approaching (this is always a good thing, since it so often surprises me), and I also was supposed to wake up my husband at least 30 minutes ago. oops.