stuff my kids say

tonight, after dinner, I poured myself a glass of wine.
shane: mom, don't do that now, it's your night to walk the dog.
me: I'm going to walk the dog a little bit later.
layla: why don't you just take your wine with you?
me: NO! that would be a little bit...
layla: dangerous!?
me: no, not dangerous... I think "weird" was the word I was going for.
layla: oh. well why don't you just pour it in a travel mug and take it with you?
me: (smh) oh, good gracious... - summer '14

Micah has a loose tooth that is starting to stick out and make him look like a hillbilly. I checked it to see how loose it was and told Micah he needed to wiggle it a bunch so it will come out. He got all mad and told me to stop doing it. I asked him why he didn't want it to come out and he yelled, "Because I have too much money!!!" Bummer of a problem to have... - summer '14

Me: Why is one of our blankets under the table?
Micah: Oh, I wanted to be a worm. - summer '14

So, today it was Micah's turn to get cavities filled.... While there, the dentist was asking him about the tooth he lost last week, and asked him if he got money from the tooth fairy. He responded that he got EIGHTEEN dollars and he spent it on...
Wait for it...
Candy.
Just further defending my mother of the year status with them. SMH. - spring '14

me: Why are you putting your toothbrush in a sock?
micah: I'm making a slingshot! - spring '14

Me: Have you brushed your teeth?
Layla: Yes... I mean no.
Me: What were you up there for then?
L: Um... Well, I went upstairs, and then I couldn't remember why I was there, so I went in my room and did the Macarena. - spring '14

me: I will make you come inside if you don't stop eating the snowman! - winter '14




micah: what would happen if the angels turned all the houses into restaurants? - winter '12

Micah: Alien astronauts keep their hearts under their legs. - winter '12

Micah (mad at Layla for getting in the car first): I'm done with her! I don't want her anymore!!! - winter '12

Me: Micah, go upstairs and go to bed.
Micah: But I have magic sticks. I'm evil! - winter '12

Me: Micah, hurry up and take your bite.
Micah: Not yet. I have to wait until all my whiskers are gone. - fall '12

We were discussing advent candles and why the 3rd one is pink and Layla piped up with this gem: Well, it's the candle of joy, and everyone brightens up when they feel joyful! - fall '12

me: micah, eat your food.
micah: i can't. it's .
me: what does mean?
micah: it means that pizza isn't good for boys... who are little... who are 5... to eat. - fall '12


micah (looking down the neckline of my shirt: what are those things under your clothes?
me: those are mommy's boobs.
micah: boobs? hahaha. (lifting up his own shirt) i don't have big boobs.
me: no, only women and big girls have boobs.
micah: daddy has small ones. - summer '12

layla (wearing a bunny mask): i want to play little bunny foo foo.
micah (wearing an elephant mask): i want to play elephant poo poo. - spring '12


micah (perfectly timed in a lull at shane's band concert): an avocado is a cucumber. - spring '12

me: go wash your hands.
micah: what got on my hands?
me: germs.
micah: school germs?
me: yeah.
micah: how did they get on my hands?
me: from touching other kids and toys and stuff.
micah: yeah, and girls! - spring '12


layla: i know a hanukkah song now!
me: do you know what hanukkah is?
layla: no, but i know a song! 'dreidel dreidel dreidel, i made it out of clay...' - winter '11

micah: my stomach just said "ouch". - fall '11

layla (watching a football game on tv): dad, i've been wondering about their shoulders. are those big pads? or do they just exercise a lot? - fall '11

shane: hey dad! what's that song that you like? not the annoying song, but that other annoying song that's not so annoying. - fall '11


shane: beans are vegetables.
layla: no they're not.
shane: mom! tell layla beans are vegetables.
me: beans are vegetables.
layla: no they're not.
me: then what are they?
layla: they're beans. (duh)
me: oh. a whole category of food all by itself!
layla: yup! they're NOT vegetables, because who would EVER eat vegetables with pizza!?! - summer '11

Dave: do you want to go to Hawaii in April?
Me: yes! Why?
Dave: to do a triathlon.
Me: no.
Dave: so I can do a triathlon.
Layla: and we can do the conga line!!! - summer '11


layla: mom, if you threw tea in the lake, would it become a lake of tea? - summer '11

Layla: today was fantastic!
Me: you liked watching the parade and riding the bus?
Layla: yes! And the best part was seeing gramma and papa!!! - summer '11


Layla, playing with her liv doll: wow she's beautiful!
Dave: what makes her beautiful?
Layla: her pink dress.
Dave: so if I wear a pink dress, will I be beautiful?
Layla: hysterical giggles. - summer '11

Layla: apparently, california has Hawaii trees, too. - summer '11


me: i'm going to make some vegetables to go with our dinner. what kind of vegetables do you want? peas and carrots?
layla: peas and corn!
micah: bacon!!! - spring '11

micah, sitting on the toilet (to the tune of jingle bells): underwear, underwear, uuunderrrrwear. underwear is so much fun, underwearrrr, hey! - spring '11


me: put down the monster trucks and go get your underwear! - spring '11

layla: i want a pogo stick.
me: pogo sticks are kind of expensive.
layla: but i WANT one!
me: just because you want something doesn't mean you get to have it right away.
layla: when you're super duper rich, will you get me one?
me: sure. as soon as i am, i'll get you one. @@
layla: great!! well you better hurry up and get super duper rich, mom, because i really want a pogo stick. - spring '11


me: layla, stop barking! it's quiet time!
layla: okay mom... meeee-oowwwww... meeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww...
me: and no meowing either! - spring '11

layla: guess what, mom! me and kylie slid down the wet slide today!
me: oh.
layla: it was really wet! we were being mermaids!
me: and so now you have wet pants?
layla: yeah! it's great! i always wanted to get wet pants at school! - winter '11


layla, pointing at her nipple: what are these things?
me: nipples.
layla: oh yeah, that's right. they tell me that my boobs are coming. - winter '11

me: what does M-I-C-A-H spell?
micah: wuvmuffin.
me: what did you say?
micah: WUVmuffin! - winter '11


micah, 'reading' from the bible: Jesus got something in his mouth. it's ice cream! - winter '11

layla: some time, i'm going to ice skate on jello. so you can skate and lick at the same time! - winter '11

me (going around a corner in the car): hold on to your nuggets! - fall '10

me (teasing): shane, do you have all your clothes picked out for the first day of school?
shane: yeah right. you want me to wear a tuxedo or something? - fall '10


dave (to me): do you want to write names on balls for me? - fall '10

micah: i need a bath.
me: why?
micah: because my pocket's full of money. - summer '10


micah: mommy. i have a question.
me: what is your question?
micah: I DON'T KNOW. i can't get there... i staying home. - summer '10

dave: micah, eat your dinner.
micah (pushing away his plate): no.
dave: how do you keep growing?
micah: because i want to! - summer '10


me: layla, hurry and get buckled up.
layla: why? are the police watching me? - summer '10

i was explaining to layla and micah that we were going to visit uncle loren because he was very sick and would likely die soon.
me: he's going to go to heaven and be with jesus.
micah: he's going to chuck e. cheese's? - spring '10


micah: my shirt's full.
me: your shirt's full?
micah: yes.
me: full of what?
micah: my tummy. - spring '10

layla, to daddy: wouldn't it be cool if we could all dress up like God? - spring '10

micah came up to me with two thermometers in his hand, gave them to me and said, "mommy, you take my peppershirts?" - spring '10

layla (one sunday morning as we were getting ready for church): i wonder what we're going to talk about in sunday school today. probably God. we ALWAYS talk about God. every week, we just talk about God. - spring '10

micah: is dinner ready yet?
me: no, it takes a few hours. are you hungry? what would you like to eat?
micah: cookies.
me: sorry, we don't have any cookies.
micah: butterfly cookies?
me: nope. no cookies.
micah: flower cookies?
me: nope. no cookies.
micah: two cookies?
me:sorry buddy. we don't have ANY cookies.
micah: oh. - spring '10

shane: mom, if i were as tall as 50 cars stacked on top of each other, would i be able to run as fast as a car goes? - spring '10

layla: mommy, micah's dumping water out of the tub!
me (taking the cup away): sorry micah, dumpers don't get to have cups.
shane: wow. that must really hurt when they play baseball! - spring '10

layla had been arguing with me about not wanting to take a bath. as i was in the bathroom filling up the tub, she burst into the room, very importantly, with the bible in her hands, opened it, pointed to the page, and announced very seriously, "see mommy? it says right here, 'no taking baths!'" - winter '10

i had put micah on the toilet because he was starting to poop. while he was sitting there, i noticed that he peed, so i said, "you peed! yay!" and he said, "yay! i win! pee!" and started clapping. - fall '09

layla: it's foggy out this morning.
me: yeah, it is.
layla: we need to get that fog to go away.
me: and how do we do that?
layla: we just get a shovel and go outside and SHOVEL. SHOVEL. SHOVEL. SHOVEL!
me: really? you can make fog go away with a shovel?
layla: yeah. either that or a baseball bat. - fall '09


while shopping at qfc today, layla pulled a package of depends off the shelf and said, 'mommy, can we get this kind of pull-ups?' - winter '09


me: blah, blah, blah, blah, good ideas, blah, blah, blah, blah.
shane: MOM! YOU'RE A GENIUS!!!
me: wow. thanks shane, that's like the nicest thing you've said to me in a while.
layla: MOM! YOU'RE A GREEN DINOSAUR!!!
me and shane: ha ha ha ha... - summer '08


last night dave was watching 'who wants to be a millionaire' on tv. layla walked in and saw the tv and asked, 'what's that?'
dave: it's a game show called 'who wants to be a millionaire'.
layla: oh.
dave: do you want to be a millionaire?
layla: no.
dave: oh, i know. you want to be a billionaire.
layla (yelling): NO!!!! I WANT TO BE A LADY BUG! - spring '08

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