so i’m feeling a little bit stifled right now. when i took over responsibility for shane’s education, i knew i was making a big time/lifestyle commitment. i also figured that layla and eventually, micah would be involved in this endeavor. i knew that i was stepping out into a great unknown, having never completely done this sort of thing before. it was an experiment.
in general, this experiment has gone well. not entirely as planned, but well, nonetheless. i mean really, when you’re dealing with kids (or other human beings, for that matter) what does go as planned.
but at this point, i have to say that homeschooling is NOT my favorite thing. it’s not that i can’t do it. it’s not that shane isn’t learning. it’s not that i’m excessively overwhelmed or that i feel like i’m failing. it’s not any of that. the best thing i can figure out is that i feel ‘boxed in’. i feel like my time and opportunities are so limited for all of us. it’s not just about shane, and with layla and micah so much younger, they’re really kind of having to fend for themselves a lot of the time when i’m working with shane. i think the real problem is that i’m not able to get out enough with them and focus on them and what they need, let alone myself.
of course, having made this decision, backing away from it based on the above reasons feels incredibly selfish. had i never done it to begin with, this sort of thing would not cause anyone to bat an eyelash… and honestly, no one else out there will probably bat an eyelash, were i to stop… but i will. the whole thought of sending my kids to school because of the old cliché of needing ‘time for myself’ just makes my skin crawl.
but i guess it’s not just about that. i really don’t enjoy being the teacher. i don’t enjoy being A teacher. i learned this the year i was the lead teacher in a preschool classroom. every experience prior to that, i was the assistant teacher and i LOVED it. i loved it enough to go back to school and earn my BA in child development so i could be the LEAD teacher… i hated it. swell, huh? i really am finding that i work best in a support role, where i don’t have to be in charge of all the planning and implementing and record-keeping and all that. i SUCK at that. a job that causes me to have to do that only points out how BAD i am at it.
at any rate, i’m thinking a lot about this right now because all of my friends are talking about kindergarten registration and all that. a topic i’ve been dreading. i still don’t know exactly where i sit in that boat. but now there’s a new(ish) issue to deal with. layla keeps bringing up preschool. she went to a co-op when she was 3 and we dropped out after a couple months. there were various reasons, most were probably amplified in my over-think everything head, but some were certainly legitimate. it was a tough schedule for us to maintain, she was getting worn out and very grumpy at home, my child-care arrangement for micah on my in-class day had a baby, etc, etc, etc. now, i could probably find a place to put her back in, but our budget is so tight right now that i’m not really seeing where that tuition money is going to come from. hmmm… i’m really not opposed to her going. i know she thrives on academic challenges, ART, socializing with friends (especially girls, right now – she has recently decided that she does NOT like boys), ART, playground fun, ART, singing, ART… you get the idea.
i used to clean house for my parents once a week. they paid me for this too. doing this could easily pay for preschool tuition… but since september, i’ve been maybe 3 or 4 times to clean. yup. i love this schedule.
anyway, i’ve got a lot of frustrations swirling around right now. i miss being free to attend MOMS club activities. i miss MY friends and the opportunity for my kids to see THEIR friends. are these reasons to quit homeschooling? i don’t know. is returning to ‘school’ the best thing for shane? i don’t know. is going to kindergarten next year the best thing for layla? i don’t know.
i kinda wish i knew something!! they say being a parent is hard. THEY have NO idea!